


So Much Love, Then One Day Buried

by simplytheroses



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M, alec and cat are very brief, angst w a hopeful ending, how do you tag, i’m sorry if this is awful, like they’re not really even in it, magnus bane deserves the world, this is basically just magnus being sad, written in light of 3x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 04:10:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18491056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplytheroses/pseuds/simplytheroses
Summary: Maybe he will finally learn to expect nothing, to hope for nothing, to crave nothing.





	So Much Love, Then One Day Buried

**Author's Note:**

> hello lovelies, did you enjoy the episode? i haven’t written in awhile, and i’ve never written angst, so expect this to be a mess. title is from Don’t Forget About Me by Cloves

Magnus is terrified.

 

He remembers, telling  _ Alec- _

 

_ God, he can’t even think his name. It  _ hurts.

 

He remembers telling his love that the key to having no fear, is having nothing to lose.

 

Oh how things have changed.

 

The funny thing is, this all still feels like some crazy nightmare that Magnus has yet to wake up from. He’s still waiting for someone to call bullshit on this whole ordeal.

 

He’s had a good life. A rough one, being immortal, just a warlock in general, is both a blessing and a curse. But it’s never been  _ this  _ bad. Magnus should be able to handle this.  _ Why can’t he handle this? Why is it suddenly all too much? _

 

And Alec. His sweet, sweet love. His brave, selfless, absolutely awe-inspiring muse.

 

Magnus can’t help but be grateful that he got to have him in the first place.

 

While he wishes this was all a dream, he knows it’s not. A dream wouldn’t hurt this much.

 

But the pain is a reminder that it was real, so he really can’t bring himself to be upset.

 

Sadly, though, everything being taken from him isn’t the least bit surprising. He knows that he’s too much, that he comes on too strong, that everything he does is never enough. He supposes he’ll just have to live with that.

 

The numbness that will come in a few days time, when his heart and his brain have come to a mutual understanding that  _ this hurts too much to deal with,  _ it will be a relief. And maybe this time the numbness will stay for good. 

 

Nothing would hurt him anymore, he would feel  _ nothing. _

 

Maybe he will finally learn to expect nothing, to hope for nothing, to crave nothing.

 

_ Nothing. _

 

But he knows that for now, for a little while, he’s going to hurt.

 

Every time he thinks  _ his _ name his heart concaves in, his pride burns around the edges, his emotions blur. And to think, he was so distraught over his magic, he didn’t even stop to think what it would be like to lose his  _ heart.  _ He needs something, anything to keep him from tipping over the ledge. 

 

The ledge is metaphorical but it’s so, so close. Right there.

 

But when he looks up to see his best friend, the only stability he has left, her eyes wide and urgent, her words sharp and worried, he knows something is wrong.

 

Alec is  _ here.  _ Alec is  _ scared.  _ Alec is trying to  _ explain. _

 

Magnus realizes that there’s more to the story. Not everyone is out to get him. Maybe Alec was protecting his heart, after all. 

 

That metaphorical ledge gets a little bit farther away.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed? catch me over on twitter @tyrusmalec


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